New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions

1946 — Focus on bodily functions

1947 — Stop throwing up on family

1948 — Molars, bathrooms

1949 — Tie shoes

1950 — Stop your squirming

1951 — Be a big boy

1952 — Do homework

1953 — Impress Miss Anne

1954 — Use brain God gave you

1955 — Stop stealing candy

1956 — Got out for sports

1957 — Avoid girls

1958 — Meet girls

1959 — Soap, water and Clearasil

1960 —

1961 — Learn to drive and make out

1962 — Dad

1963 — Step outside the capsule

1964 — Prepare to get dumped

1965 — Become an artist

1966 — Be professional

1967 — Start a business

1968 — Recognize mistake

1969 — Stop smoking

1970 — Step into domesticity

1971 — Don’t be a jerk

1972 — Stop being a jerk

1973 — Quit being a jerk

1974 — Learn to live alone

1975 —

1976 — Make way in big city

1977 — Keep eyes open

1978 — Public speaking

1979 — Consolidate

1980 — Assume nothing

1981 — Know how to take a punch

1982 — Relentlessly charm people

1983 — Take vows, keep them

1984 — Say goodbye to Mom

1985 — Take Dad out for whiskey afterward

1986 —

1987 — Blow on baby girl’s belly

1988 — Know when to fold ‘em

1999 — Forage

1990 —

1991 — Exfoliate

1992 — Irradiate baby, blow on his belly

1993 — Revel in family

1994 — Gush

1995 — Pick up milk on way home

1996 — Check your work

1997 — Be a good boss

1998 — Double-entry bookkeeping

1999 — Go to their away games

2000 — Don’t be a jerk

2001 — Hunker down

2002 — Schedule a miracle

2003 — Teach daughter to drive

2004 — Mind the winds and tides

2005 — Show your good side

2006 — Let luck do its part

2007 — Savor modest success

2008 — Teach son to drive

2009 — Plan family reunion

2010 — Thirty-six hours, one way

2011 — Eat a Greek salad

2012 — Honor father and mother

2013 — Screw titanium into femurs

2014 — Do something

2015 — To have and to hold

2016 — Don’t abuse semicolons