Author: Pat Shiplett

The assignment to scam inner-city voters into thinking election deadlines had been extended came, as always, without a face or name attached.

Jane and Dick didn’t like its odds of success.

“Inner-city voters are savvy about election-day tricks,” Dick said. “They’re voting early to protect themselves.”

“Got an idea,” Jane said, “instead of targeting minorities, let’s try our first ‘false-flag’ operation.

“We blanket red voting districts with emails filled with woke phrases and plant conspiracy theories that they came from Antifa.”

“Totally,” Dick said. “False-flags would look awesome on our capabilities list.”

“Do we need a client sign-off?”

“No idea who the fuck they are,” Jane said. “Besides, their Zelle posted on our offshore last night.”

We don’t tear wings off flies, Dick and Jane often told themselves. We’re nice to widows and orphans.

Spinning the truth at the White House? They considered that a duty taxpayers paid them to do.

Hadn’t Forty-Five been elected president? And didn’t honchos from Honest Abe’s party line up every morning for their freshly baked talking points?

When Iranian drones rained down on Ukrainian civilians under orders of a man they were being paid to promote, they retreated into code-red denial. We didn’t order those strikes, they assured themselves.

Coincidence or not, that’s exactly when Dick was ambushed by a near total inability to keep food down.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Mr. Doe,” the diagnostic team at Mayo agreed. “It‘s psychosomatic.”

“If you put that on my records,” Dick warned, “I’ll destroy you on WebMd.”

JANE: Let me be first to address you as ‘Senator Elect.’”

CLIENT: Don’t jinx me, I’m down in the goddamn polls.”

JANE: Relax! If you lose we scream dead voters, undocumented voters, two-time voters, big-city homo voters. We’ll stage fake videos of fraud at polling sites.

CLIENT: Violence?

JANE: [INAUDIBLE]

CLIENT: I’m told this ain’t your first cluster fuck.

JANE: Me and Dick masterminded the Big Lie (fact: they were minor players). We convinced Red states to pass laws (true) so they can toss out ballots for the other guy.

CLIENT: Meanwhile, here I am…my ass getting kicked.

JANE: It’s all good! How folks vote in your race is going to be less important than how we count them.

CLIENT: What’ll your ‘voter integrity’ package cost me?

JANE: People will line up to donate the minute you‘re sworn in, Senator. It’s morning again in America.

Dick and Jane were given no choice.

They had to accept the assignment before being informed that Volodymyr Zelensky and Ukraine’s war effort would be the targets of their smear campaign.

Yes, they admired the courage of the totally hot, blond Ukrainians they saw on cable TV; however, they had a conspiracy business to get off the ground.

They’d made their bones working for the Putin-Trump tag-team, first denying interference in our elections and then later denying that their former boss had strong-armed the Ukrainian president.

”Putin claims Zelensky’s a Nazi,” Dick said.

“He’s a Jew!” Jane insisted.

“A Nazi AND a Jew!” Dick replied

“That’s beyond unbelievable!” Jane shot back.

“We’re not paid to make people believe,” Dick said. “We’re paid to make them doubt.”

“ I’m sorry you’re suffering, my son.

“I know you’re not Catholic but don’t worry, you don’t even have to be Christian to be forgiven.

“How have you sinned?” The priest asked.

“I did messaging for the Trump White House.”

“Ouch! No wonder your conscience is killing you.”

“I made folks believe 2020 was stolen and incited a coup. I betrayed ancestors who fell at Bunker Hill. I’m desperate to confess and stop these headaches.”

“You might need a defense lawyer more than you need a priest. Crimes are above our pay grade.

“But I can help with your sins.

“Are you ready to ask forgiveness and resolve to never again commit your sins.”

A silence hung over the confession booth.

“Hypothetically,” Dick asked, “how long does ‘never again’ have to last?”