Fallen Angels, Complete Series

Jane had shared mimosas with a friend who owns a film-prop house in Arlington and brought home a vintage WWII uniform that had caught her eye.

It was more for laughs than anything else.

But she and Dick soon discovered that dressing up and channeling Joseph Goebbels stimulated their ability to come up with conspiracy theories.

They recited his quotes—about how to lie to stupid people—out loud to keep themselves grounded.

If Herr Goebbels’ principles worked for the Third Reich, they figured, they‘d work on Americans docile enough to believe the election was stolen.

Then, suddenly, the blinding headaches started.

“I’m cursed for bringing Goebbels back to life,” Dick told Jane. “This isn’t like our naughty, little Viking-ravages-harem-girl cosplays,” he insisted. “This is evil!”

“What’s wrong with evil?” Jane asked.

“ I’m sorry you’re suffering, my son.

“I know you’re not Catholic but don’t worry, you don’t even have to be Christian to be forgiven.

“How have you sinned?” The priest asked.

“I did messaging for the Trump White House.”

“Ouch! No wonder your conscience is killing you.”

“I made folks believe 2020 was stolen and incited a coup. I betrayed ancestors who fell at Bunker Hill. I’m desperate to confess and stop these headaches.”

“You might need a defense lawyer more than you need a priest. Crimes are above our pay grade.

“But I can help with your sins.

“Are you ready to ask forgiveness and resolve to never again commit your sins.”

A silence hung over the confession booth.

“Hypothetically,” Dick asked, “how long does ‘never again’ have to last?”

Dick and Jane were given no choice.

They had to accept the assignment before being informed that Volodymyr Zelensky and Ukraine’s war effort would be the targets of their smear campaign.

Yes, they admired the courage of the totally hot, blond Ukrainians they saw on cable TV; however, they had a conspiracy business to get off the ground.

They’d made their bones working for the Putin-Trump tag-team, first denying interference in our elections and then later denying that their former boss had strong-armed the Ukrainian president.

”Putin claims Zelensky’s a Nazi,” Dick said.

“He’s a Jew!” Jane insisted.

“A Nazi AND a Jew!” Dick replied

“That’s beyond unbelievable!” Jane shot back.

“We’re not paid to make people believe,” Dick said. “We’re paid to make them doubt.”

JANE: Let me be first to address you as ‘Senator Elect.’”

CLIENT: Don’t jinx me, I’m down in the goddamn polls.”

JANE: Relax! If you lose we scream dead voters, undocumented voters, two-time voters, big-city homo voters. We’ll stage fake videos of fraud at polling sites.

CLIENT: Violence?

JANE: [INAUDIBLE]

CLIENT: I’m told this ain’t your first cluster fuck.

JANE: Me and Dick masterminded the Big Lie (fact: they were minor players). We convinced Red states to pass laws (true) so they can toss out ballots for the other guy.

CLIENT: Meanwhile, here I am…my ass getting kicked.

JANE: It’s all good! How folks vote in your race is going to be less important than how we count them.

CLIENT: What’ll your ‘voter integrity’ package cost me?

JANE: People will line up to donate the minute you‘re sworn in, Senator. It’s morning again in America.

We don’t tear wings off flies, Dick and Jane often told themselves. We’re nice to widows and orphans.

Spinning the truth at the White House? They considered that a duty taxpayers paid them to do.

Hadn’t Forty-Five been elected president? And didn’t honchos from Honest Abe’s party line up every morning for their freshly baked talking points?

When Iranian drones rained down on Ukrainian civilians under orders of a man they were being paid to promote, they retreated into code-red denial. We didn’t order those strikes, they assured themselves.

Coincidence or not, that’s exactly when Dick was ambushed by a near total inability to keep food down.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Mr. Doe,” the diagnostic team at Mayo agreed. “It‘s psychosomatic.”

“If you put that on my records,” Dick warned, “I’ll destroy you on WebMd.”