He decided
to sweep his hair across his forehead, all he needed was hairspray
For a kid of his age, he watches a ton of C-Span.
He doesn’t care about the issues but he likes to study powerful people. He’s excited by how they use control. There’s that one guy, the one who calls people names and uses outrageous sarcasm to duck questions. Everybody laughs. Sometimes they cheer. “He’s authentic!”
The boy has always kept his hair long so when he decided to sweep it sideways, across his forehead, all he needed was hairspray. At the same time, he began to pretend he doesn’t hear people when they call him Rob.
I’m “The Robert,” he insists. When a seventh-grader used his deprecated name, he made up something ugly about her. He was surprised at how nicely it vaporized her, gone. Strutting and bloviating, The Robert came to dominate the scene.
“Everyone loves me,” he tells everyone.
As they did every other Sunday, the boy’s family went to his grandparents. His aunts, uncles and cousins hooted with approval when he told them he was The Robert. They begged him to do The Robert thing during dinner.
“Aunt Caroline is a fat slob,” he announced as potatoes were passed. Everyone laughed because they were fed up with political correctness. Besides it wouldn’t hurt Caroline to loose a few pounds.
The Robert told his cousin she’s a huge loser — HUGE loser.
“Jason embarrasses himself during gym,” he informed the gathering. He reproached his father for not having an advanced degree. He taunted their nanny with a fake Guatemalan accent.
After dinner his grandmother told the boy she had a gift for him. She’s a thoughtful woman, barely five feet tall, an adoring grandmother. She has each of her nine grandkids believing they are her favorite.
She invited the boy into the living room. When they were alone she pulled him close and held him long enough for it to mean something. She took a half step back to look at him, she paused just briefly and then she slapped him hard, but not as hard as she could have.
