Mr. Pat Panera

Panera-server-combined-600px

“Would you like a beverage with that, Mr. Pat?”

First it was Natalie, a young African American born and raised in Louisiana, who addressed me as “Mr. Pat.”

Then the guy shown in the photo, he grew up in northwest Chicago, followed suit. Two servers from Central America thanked “Ms. Emily” for her order and asked “Mr. Brian” what he would like on his sandwich.

The use of Mr./Ms. combined a first name may sound strange to many ears — like a courtesy left over from the Old South. But it’s not exclusively a regional or ethnic thing.

We had a third-grade teacher we addressed as “Miss Ann.” But the next year Mrs. Weinstradt got the formal last-name treatment. The difference was age and hairstyles.

On the first day of one of my first jobs, the Chairman of the Board told me to call him Paul. He said that in Corporate America I should never call anyone Mr. or Mrs. Last Name. Many children start off on a first-name basis with familiar adults but later their own parents insist that they address those same people as “Mr. Jones,” “Mrs. Smith.” etc. Eye contact and spontaneity suffer.

I know an otherwise normal woman who managed to avoid addressing her mother-in-law by name for 25 years! She couldn’t bring herself to call her Mom or anything else. A couple of my acquaintances admit that they never greet anyone by any name. They’re afflicted with a phobia that ironically doesn’t have a name.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Passing time in retirement

“I wake up with nothing to do and go to bed with only half of it done.” *

Many of the regulars at our coffee shop, especially the morning crowd, don’t have jobs. We have the luxury of trying new things, and enjoy the comfort of doing them as amateurs — just for the pleasure of it. If we’re not good at it, that’s fine. If it’s more work than we thought, we can blow it off. The only things that limit us are our imaginations and our knees.

We are putterers mostly. Talking in terms of our passion or a personal journey or a rendezvous with destiny is way too Starbucks for us. There isn’t an auteur in the crowd and none of us are trending. However there is a guy who has some kind paradigm named after him.

People who work full-time, busy raising children etc., fantasize about a future when they can do whatever they want. But it’s not that simple. Free time is like virtue and mayonnaise; too much of it is worse than none at all.

On good days you find yourself caught up in something so rewarding you have to force yourself to go bed. That’s important when you’re expected at the coffee shop bright and early the next morning.

*Nobody remembers who said this first.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Julia and Dad Teen drivers weekend

2061585870_45e7d8a712_z-(crop)-600px

It didn’t show up on the mobile apps or the weather channels, Doppler missed it completely. Only he and his wife and their daughter knew the storm was coming.

It showed no sign of changing course. Pressure was building with every conversation, text message and passing in the hallway.

Their daughter had her talking points down cold: I’m an adult! (She turned 18 days before.) I’ve pulled God knows how many all-nighters! I aced my APs! I earned this! A tradition! Once-in-a-lifetime!

There was a group of mothers who not only liked the idea but set it in motion. The plan was to rent a resort unit a hundred and some miles away and turn it over to a handful of recent high-school grads for a weekend. Enough kids had their own cars so getting there wouldn’t be a problem.

One mother in particular fielded calls from other parents. No, she wouldn’t actually be there in person. But, yes, she would be somewhere. She would definitely, you know, have her cell phone on. There might be alcohol but what else would you expect from our amazing “work-hard, play-hard” overachievers?

She danced around every question but on one she was perfectly clear. Even though she would sign for the rental, she would in no way be responsible if something happened. “They’re legal, you know?”

None of this surprised the new graduate’s parents. There were homes that were open for sleepovers every weekend. Tweens would curl up, catch a few hours sleep (or not) and wait for a ride in the morning. Their daughter often begged a sick day the following week until, mercifully, a groundable offense put an end to her sleepovers.

With the slash-and-burn adolescent years behind her, she was someone you could do business with. But on this question, she had filled sandbags and hunkered down.

It had been on a Saturday night forty-five years earlier, that her father woke his own mother to tell her what a fire hydrant had done to his friends.

They had been playing poker, the nine of them, townies and part-time students a year out of high school. They didn’t have an ounce of fat among them so “three-two” beer was enough to get them drunk. But it was the whisky that sealed the deal.

After poker they piled into cars and raced on a deserted suburban lane. The heavy, Detroit-made family sedan couldn’t hold curves as well as the Triumph or the Chevy coupe. Wayne lost his life. Dan lost the use of a leg. Johnny, the driver who slammed into the hydrant (and the sweetest kid in the group), would walk away tortured and inconsolable for years.

The graduate’s father can recall visiting the ICU several times a week — as long as Wayne was alive. He remembers sitting with Wayne’s family. He is fairly certain that he went to the graveyard with his mother, and that she drove.

What troubles him is that he doesn’t remember being properly devastated. He doesn’t know if he had suffered enough to be absolved for bringing the whisky that night. The right to cry wasn’t forbidden in his family — his factory-worker uncles openly wept when his grandfather died — but he couldn’t say if he had cried over the loss of his friend.

He told his daughter and her brother about The Accident many times. He didn’t condemn the evils of alcohol absolutely. After all Jesus turned water into wine to please his mother.

He and his daughter were close and they were anxious to settle their standoff. They walked to a wooded stretch of the Lake Michigan shoreline. He hoped he could convince her not to go away that weekend. He was reluctant to issue commands to a daughter he could no longer consider as just a child. (He had enlisted at 17.)

She allowed him to relive the details of the accident once again, looking out at the lake as he spoke. But this time she noticed something different in his delivery.

His breathing wasn’t right. His pattern of speech was off. There was a pause that had never been there before. That’s when she saw, rolling down her father’s cheek, a tear that had been held in reserve all these years, waiting for a time when it might make a difference.

 

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Private Detective #1

“I make my living with my fists but I’m not one of your lowlife private detectives.

“For one thing I’m careful about my client list — I only work for dames who got gams, real elegant like. For another, I drive a Vette.

“Nice people like you pay money to people like me to make problems go away. But I got a problem of my own, one of them existential problems (for those of you who don’t read that means a problem that exists).

“Of all the geniuses working away on fancy laptops in the windows of this two-bit java joint, I have to end up on the hard drive of a complete and total jamoke. I exist only as a fictional character whose future is in this guy’s hands.

“What does he know about your character development, your mood, your narrative tension? Not a damned thing, that’s what. He made his living by WRITING ADS for God’s sake — Mr. Urge-To-Action. The only plot he’ll ever get close to is in the cheap, no-headstone section of Rosehill.

“When he’s not over there yukking it up with his crew, or counting to ten in Spanish, he’s running off to the bathroom (buy Kimberly-Clark). I keep telling him to see somebody about that prostrate thing of his.

“Anyway my story’s going nowhere, and fast. Did I mention I killed a guy twice?”

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Coffee shop ettiquette

ETIQUETTE-BROS-K-CROP2-600px

It doesn’t take many visits to pick up on the finer points of etiquette at this little coffee place close to campus.

In Cultural Anthropology 101, we learned to identify rules of behavior as “norms.”

So here’s a norm.

Maybe it’s something they put in the coffee but people here go out of their way to make lifelong introverts feel popular— even if they don’t want to be popular.

Here’s another. Bragging is perfectly acceptable as long as you do it outside at a distance of 25 feet from the door. Second-hand bragging annoys people and stays in their clothes for days.

People who sit in the windows and never say a word are not rude. Their backs are to the room because they want to work. You can mutter a brief hello or God-bless a sneeze but then it’s good form to let them get back to work.

The room has a soft, nougat-filled center reserved for regulars who sit and enjoy the exact same conversation with the exact same people every time they meet. It’s like saying the rosary or humming an ohm. It’s an early agrarian ritual that satisfies a primal need without requiring any of us to decorate our genitals.

And finally, everybody here assumes the person they’re talking to is smarter than they are. But wait, you’re thinking, that’s a statistical impossibility! You’re right of course.

See how that works?

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail