“How does bullshit like this happen?” A second-grader asks the paramedic rushing her to the ER. (Kids are allowed to swear on days when they’ve been shot.)
“It’s all James Madison’s fault.” The first responder tells her.
“Who says it’s unconstitutional to protect ourselves against assault weapons?” The uncle of a shooting victim asks.
“James Madison!” a pallbearer replies.
“We can blame Quentin Tarantino, right?” Asks a web-development guy who hasn’t been outside in six months.
“Nope, James Madison.” answered his pizza-delivery guy.
If you thought mass shootings were bad in 2015, you should see how much worse things are in 2025:
FACT: fifty-three percent of Americans refuse to go to work on any given day FACT: seven out of ten children are kept home from school
FACT: there hasn’t been a high-school football game in 9 years
FACT: the last movie house in America closed in 2017. It was showing “Rambo Visits A Classroom.”
To address the problem, Congress created the “Daily Mass Shooting Index.”
It allows people to judge the risk of being blown away on any given day (watch out for Mondays). The free app offered to the public is basically worthless. But there’s a premium version, only $229.95 a month, that is remarkably predictive.
“Why are they blaming me? Why don’t they just amend the Constitution?” James Madison complains to his wife.
“Maybe if you had put that part about new amendments in Article I instead of Article V.” Dolly says.
“I assumed they’d read our founding document all the way through.” Madison replies.
A Final Note: Stand Your Ground is wildly popular in 2025. Frequently, two people stand their ground at the same time and shoot each other dead. Sometimes, if they have busy schedules, they’ll agree on a mutually convenient time to stand their ground. It’s like when people used to duel. The parties usually agree on semi-automatic bursts at 45-60 rounds per minute. Most disputes get settled quickly.
