Cremation

I am in receipt of your excellent direct-mail solicitation. Thank you. I especially like mailings that are unsolicited, as they show initiative. I always try to read and respond to limited-time offers promptly, lest they expire.

I am however a little confused by your offer of “Free Pre-Paid Cremation.” I’m a little slow on the uptake, if you will, but then that’s to be expected from a demographic slated for incineration.

It’s the “Free” and “Pre-Paid” part that has me stumped. If it’s free why would it need to be paid? And pre-paid? What’s that about? I’ll sign a blank check and leave it in the bottom drawer where the kids are sure to find when the time comes. Are we good?

Please, Neptune Society, tell me this is not like the time a sales manager named Rex When-Opportunity-Knocks-Some-People-Complain-About-The-Noise Johnson drove four of us up to Sydney, Ohio to give FREE! Grolier World Book Encyclopedias to deserving low-income families. $435 in handling charges was all we asked. A childless couple wondered how old I was and gave me lemonade and said I’m not very good at giving things away.

But let’s get back to your revolutionary cremation system. It’s quick and painless — do I have right? Testimonials?

By the way, I hope your marketing team is not under unrealistic pressure to meet quotas this quarter. My blood pressure is good and my cholesterol is under control. Have you heard of kale?