Friend Requests

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TO: Young women who send Facebook friend requests to guys like us

FROM: Guys who are overweight, balding and maybe a little past our prime

It’s always flattering to get a friend request, especially from an attractive woman you don’t know. Chemicals are released. I checked around with my buddies, this sort of thing seems to happening a lot lately.

Nobody’s complaining. You ladies seem nice enough and if I may say so, your photos look like they’re taken by professional fashion photographers. Nice hair all around.

But you know what seems strange? That you don’t have more than one or two friends on your Facebook pages; and that the same guy shows up as the only mutual friend we have in common and that he’s got too many consonants in his name.

Also, nobody’s heard of the alma mater listed on your profile. How do yellow-haired, Nordic beauties end up at a university in a failed state? And if you don’t mind us asking, where are your work narratives? Speak slowly and use small words — men our age have a tough time understanding the Bit Coin economy,

You’re looking for friends. We get that. We’ve been there ourselves.

But you need to understand that the stereotype of older guys as good listeners isn’t necessary true. It depends entirely on who you’re talking to and on the level of ambient noise present at any given time.

Have you thought about volunteering? Volunteering’s supposed to be good.fingerprint4-only-final-40px

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Barbie and Ken in the 70s

Barbie-and-Ken-at-party-crop 600-pxThe party took place on a Friday night in May after the latest in a string of long winters. There was a full moon, you could felt it.

The crowd overflowed the third-floor apartment — down the stairs, over the stoop and out onto a street lined with brownstones. Hundreds of people came and went before the bash was over. It was a party for the ages.

Most of the partiers had moved from smaller towns to try their hand at advertising. Success depended on being interesting and fashionable or fashionably unfashionable (only few could pull that off). It was a crowd that paid attention to these things.

They were in their twenties, a few in their thirties. Some of them had been married. They were as young and as beautiful and as available as they would ever be, and they had apartments.

They had been raised with their parents’ traditional mid-century values about love and marriage. “Barbie and Ken sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…”

But by the Seventies those things had changed.

Casual physical adventures had become respectable. Older values like trust and commitment had become suspect. Being earnest was out of style. Marriage was retrograde. Everywhere you turned, there were ball bearings under your feet.

It was in the wee hours of the morning that the last of the guests walked out to hail cabs or hop onto public transportation. As always, especially in the Seventies, a number of them went home with someone new.

Mating rituals may change over time but biology does not.

If you had followed the birth announcements the following winter, you might have seen the names of a few people you met at the party that night.

The species would not to be denied, fingerprint4-only-final-40px

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Mom defending Dad (Copy of original)

Despite the fact that he chewed tobacco, everyone in the family agreed he was swell.

Her brothers had brought him home from the glass factory to meet their sister. That was twenty years earlier.

He was a thrifty, hard-working, unassuming, church-going man and so they married.

He was good to their boys and except for penny-ante poker, he didn’t gamble. There were no women. But it turned out he was a ‘complicated’ man — at least that’s how the doctors described him.

He had lost his mother at fourteen and was raised as an only child by aunts who scorned his father and his religion. He could be heard shouting back at them decades after they died. He couldn’t lay them to rest.

As newlyweds, they were familiar with alcohol.

The young woman had her first drink during Prohibition (her father gave dances and could pick up and bounce two drunks at a time). Her husband-to-be had ran bootleg whisky out of an elevator in a downtown hotel.

By the time their second boy came, the man’s diary described how he and his crew carried hip-flasks while sorting mail on train cars. There was a photo of him bleary eyed during a labor event. He kept a circuit of distant taverns to hide his habit.

Alcohol and undetected diabetes tricked the chemicals in his brain. His outbreaks led doctors to prescribe electric-shock therapy, and the courts signed off. There was a fall from grace – nobody knew what to say.

Don’t stop reading.

It turns out that the man was as canny in choosing a mate as she had been in choosing him.

She refused to see her good and decent man as a damaged soul. She never wavered. She made sure her boys appreciated that their father, despite his afflictions, gave them full bragging rights.

The family held.

The man outlived his wife by about a year. There was beer in the house after she was gone but now it was ice cream he turned to for comfort. He kept Eskimo Pies in the freezer.fingerprint4-only-final-40px

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Mom defending Dad

But it turned out that he was a ‘complicated’ man — at least that’s how the doctors described him.

Her brothers brought him home from the ‘glass house’* to meet their sister. That was thirty years earlier.

He was a thrifty, hard-working, unassuming, church-going man. And even though he chewed tobacco, everyone agreed he was swell.

So they married.

He was good to their boys and except for penny-ante poker, he didn’t gamble. There were no women. But it turned out that he was a ‘complicated’ man.

He had lost his mother and was raised as an only child by aunts who scorned his father and his father’s religion. He could be heard shouting back at them decades after they died. He couldn’t lay them to rest.

As newlyweds, the couple had been familiar with alcohol. The young woman’s father gave dances during Prohibition; her family bragged he could physically pick up and bounce two drunks at the same time. Her husband ran hooch out of an elevator in a downtown hotel.

By the time their second boy came, the man’s diary described how he and his crew carried hip-flasks while sorting mail on train cars. There was a photo of him bleary eyed during a labor event. He frequented distant taverns to hide his growing habit.

Alcohol and undetected diabetes tricked the chemicals in his brain. His outbreaks led doctors to prescribe electric-shock therapy and the courts signed off, twice. There was a fall from grace. Nobody knew what to say.

Don’t stop reading.

It turns out the man was as canny in choosing a spouse as his wife had been in choosing him. She refused to see her good and decent man as a damaged soul. She never wavered. She made sure her boys appreciated that their father, despite his afflictions, gave them full bragging rights. The family held.

The man outlived his wife by about a year. There was beer in the house after she was gone but now it was ice cream he turned to for comfort. He kept Eskimo Pies in the freezer.

* glass production had been a thriving industry in western Appalachia fingerprint4-only-final-40px

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Chess Match, Richard Lang

Richard-Lang-Bros-K-600pxIt was early in the ‘80s.

The manufacturer of an electronic chess game claimed that it could defeat Anatoly Karpov, the reigning chess champion of the world.

It was nothing more than a glorified single-purpose toy. This was years before IBM’s Deep Blue posed a serious challenge to human chess players.

A law firm was called in to counter the product’s claims. Attorneys looking for a chess master narrowed their search to a club in a storefront in a near suburb. There they found Richard Lang, a university professor who had long been ranked in tournament play.

The lawyers invited Richard to lunch at the prestigious Chicago Athletic Club where he was required to put on a borrowed blazer and a tie. He ordered the chicken-salad sandwich and they talked. The suits quickly realized they had found their knight errant.

The man and the machine squared off in what turned out to be an unfair match. Richard didn’t break a sweat. The device never recovered from the first game. Its marketing team immediately dropped its bogus performance claims.

My friend doesn’t remember an opening gambit or anything special about his strategy. But there’s one lesson he did draw from being the champion of the human race: No chicken salad sandwich is worth $25.fingerprint4-only-final-40px

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